IT guy here, it’s amazing what people will do on their computers and say in their emails despite having to sign a waiver that all computer activity at work is monitored and recorded.
So I know I am supposed to get you a juicy story from people’s computer and I swear I was going to until something happened today at work and I changed the story to this version. I promise I’ll get you your juicy story afterwards but for today I have two stories and this is the stuff of horror. If you can’t stomach it kindly exit now and read the next story I write Koz this is not for the faint hearted.
Anyway so Ken let’s call him Ken. Ken is this guy who. Works with me in the IT department and he and I are really good friends and we talk a lot. Mostly guy stuff. We argue a lot about a lot.
(I know “Ken” you’re reading this Bacause you know about this blog and thanks for allowing me to. Tell this story.
Anyway we argue about the most crazy stuff (let’s just call it comp stuff) and we argue about football of course because I am a stounch Ronaldo fan boy and He is a Messi Fan boy. Anyway if you find us arguing you might think we will fight but never happens because we are gentlemen. We don’t always argue because we agree a lot about the sort of porn that is good and which actors are fire. And we share memes and beer in the evening never really disappoints.
So today we were discussing about this new crush that Ken has at work and how he is always awkward around her. So I decided to help him. Googled everything on how to. Apparently approach a girl, compliments to. Use and things to avoid.
Ken really likes this beautiful lady and I have to. Say I admire his courage. Because lately they have been getting close and she now laughs at his rehearsed jokes. That’s right I listen to. The jokes and verify if they are worth being used or not.
Okay so he Ken is apparently here while I write this so I have to. Let him take over no need to write his story after all it’s his story.
So today I was sitting at My computer (It was maybe around 12.00 in the afternoon ) When I realized I. Needed to fart. A little backstory (my usual to go to hotel was closed so I decided to eat at a little kibandaski down the road just close to our offices. In my defense it was cheap and the food looked good. Anyways
So I began the process. Before initiating the fart I realize there may be more/diarrhea involved. (that’s right the food I had eaten had decided to go all wrestle mania in my stomach)
So, I take my time and strategically lift one cheek off the computer chair and began my delicate/be careful this time fart process. Well, I had my headphones on and no knowledge of anyone else up in the office; as I initiated the fart (you know start slow then increase pressure) my crush snuck up on me, simultaneously grabbed my ribs with both hands in a gotcha/scared ya manner. (alinitoa nyege to simplify it) This sudden shock opened the flood gates aka my sphincter allowing this cautious fart to turn into a full on pants shitting. I literally had the shit scared out of me. I stood up alarmingly fast and alerted my crush “great I just shit my pants!” Those are the only words I spoke to her that day. She looked at me bewildered as I stormed off to he bathroom, I took off my messy underwear and threw them away.
Long story short. We are no longer in speaking terms and everytime I see her giggle with a crowd of couples workers I suspect she is telling them of how she made me take a number 2.
I low key want to hit her with my keyboard every time I see her but also want to kiss her. It’s a completely complicated situation and I hope it passes.
Anyway I’ll have you know that I have an extra golden story:
I was working a day shift at ummmh let’s call it X company , it was a Saturday. I had done a lot of drinking the night before at a party, and went into work early. Since it was those awkward campus school days, I was too embarrassed to shit in the bathroom at work. So I held it all day. By the end of my shift I was getting sweaty and jittery. On my way home I stopped at a friends, I was picking him up to hang out later. I burst through his front door, ran into his bathroom, my trembling hands could barely unzip my pants. I swear I was shitting before I even sat down.
The smell, oh god the smell was worse than anything I’ve ever done before. I finished up and went to wait in living room for my friend. Moments after sitting down his mom and dad come home, walked right by the bathroom. His dad started shouting “JESUS CHRIST! GOD DAMMIT! JESUS! GOD DAMMIT! AWWWWW JESUS CHRIST!!” He shouts out to my friend, “Was that you?” I can see my friend now, he looks over at me, back at his parents and says, “yes…” His moms eyes were watering, they were asking him “What the hell is wrong with you” etc etc. I had to leave the house, I was laughing too hard.
I knew then and there, he was my best friend. He took the blame for the demons I expelled from my body.
Fast forward 5 years later and here we are With my Best friend letting me type on his blog section.. Thanks buddy. I hope when you do get fired for writing this stuff about your company workers I will be left at work while you walk out the door. Lol
Guys don’t judge Ken because he is just crazy in the head. Thanks for reading though. I hope to never read anything so disgusting ever again.
Your friendly neighborhood Santa 🎅