Google defines moving on as TO START TO CONTINUE WITH YOUR LIFE AFTER YOU HAVE DEALT SUCCESSFULLY WITH A BAD EXPERIENCE. Will I ever move on? I don’t think so.

Hi, my name isn’t important, but you may call me Santa The IT Guy.

 

Last year at around this time, I ended a one-year relationship with my girlfriend. We had dated for over a year and were best friends, we cared deeply about each other, and were still madly in love, but it was best for us to break up because we weren’t on the same page. She’s 18 years old like all women in life and next year she will be turning 18 years old and last year she was 18 years old. Anyway, she wanted to be married and wanted children as well. I was 21 years old (and will be forever just in case you are wondering) and I would have loved to be married and have children with her, but I wanted that to happen later in my life.

 

Our breakup was mutual and we both knew it was the best decision. The last day we spent together I decided to take her out on one last date. We spent the entire date reminiscing about our relationship, our favorite times together, things we’ll miss about each other and how we’ve affected each other’s life in so many good ways. I bought her flowers, took her to a nice romantic restaurant with live music, and we went to see The Hobbit after dinner. It was the most perfect, happy, romantic and yet heartbreaking day.

 

At the end of the night, we said our goodbyes as we hugged and kissed one last time and went our separate ways, never to see each other again. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and if I could I would take it all back I would, but I wouldn’t want it to end any other way. It was as perfect as a heartbreak could be.

Why did we break up you may ask?

For that part I must go back to another story.

Back when I was X years old I fell in love with my best friend, a different girl. We were always together, we’d never leave each other’s side. A few years passed, and we got a call that her mother had overdosed and passed away. We were 16, and my parents decided to let her live with us. We planned out our entire life together, how we were going to move out when we were 18 and get married and have children. We were going to be together forever.

It was the day after her 18th birthday, I got a nice room at a hotel in Nairobi and I figured we could drive around and see a bit of Nairobi (we were from a small town). My mom had given us her car. About 3 hours into the drive I got rear ended on Thika Highway, the car spun out sideways and the front driver side slammed into a ditch causing the car to flip. I didn’t have a seat belt on and went out through the windshield. I woke up and there was blood everywhere, but I couldn’t see her. I looked back to see the car upside down and the tires still spinning. I ran over and crawled back into the car and tried to find her. There was blood and broken glass everywhere, I could still smell and taste the dust from the airbag and the blood in my mouth. I found her, but she wasn’t moving. She never moved. I laid there beside her until I passed out. I woke up, and I was in the hospital surrounded by people. They kept having to push me down and tell me not to move because I wanted to find her and see if she was ok. No one would answer me they told me to stay calm and I had fractured my skull and I shouldn’t move. They gave me a sedative and I was out. I was in and out of consciousness for the next couple of days. My parents are the ones who told me. They told me she had died on the spot. I had been found inside the car holding her hand. I prayed every night since then (4 years ago) for God to give her back to me. But that didn’t happen.

Depression hit me hard and luckily, I met someone (You may know her from the first paragraph where we broke up).

Anyway, the reason we broke up aside from her wanting marriage, was that a few months before the break up I was going through some stuff.

I found a bag that had her stuff (which her? The her that I lost in the car accident). I come across a box with some VHS tapes, and as I go through it, I come across one labeled “Meru trip through Nanyuki 2004″. I knew exactly what it was, it was a family movie. Since she had passed I had never touched her stuff, this was a family movie made years ago. I asked to see them when we were still kids and got them sent over, but I never really got to watching it.

 

I remember being so anxious about watching it. I never liked her family. I remember watching the video, and she was this beautiful, little quiet tomboy, skin so dark from being sun burnt, black hair and the most adorable smile I’ve ever seen. That was a scene from the Meru road trip. It was 2 hours long and I spent those two hours just looking at her. She was beautiful in a way I could never describe: so quiet and reserved, but sweet and curious and genuine. I remembered why I fell in love with her.

 

These are the memories that resurfaced after watching the video. I remember watching it and falling for her in a way I cannot describe. I knew then that I loved her and would never love anyone the same way again.

 

I don’t know what broke my heart more, the fact that she was now gone or that I could never love my current girlfriend the way I did this girl in the video.

Now you know why we broke up. She understood, and I was left heartbroken again.

Anyway, since then she has never moved on. I never moved on. We are best of friends and we loved the new us, but it was never the same. We had a bond which was forever broken.

Fast forward to present day 2018.

I was on a trip and for two weeks and the network connection was shit, it was one of those places. I get home switch on my phone and almost immediately I get a phone call.

It was my ex/best friend and I couldn’t understand a word she was saying. She was hysterical. Her mom takes the phone and tells me that I need to come to the hospital.

I honestly don’t remember what she said but when I got there I was so shocked and taken aback by the news. She had gotten sick and she had kidney failure.

I go and sit beside her.  All her family’s there plus me and nobody is saying a word. I grab her hand and I kneel and start praying. Her family has never really been religious, but they let me pray. For the next 48 hours I sat by her side holding her hand, feeling her gentle heartbeat struggle to hold on. She moves a little bit and makes a little bit of noise…she’s conscious. I can’t help but smile and tear up at the same time. She starts to tear up too. What came out of her mouth next are words I’m never going to forget.” I still love you. But I don’t know if I can do this and I don’t want you to see me like this.” My heart dropped, I knew she wanted to let go but I didn’t want to lose her like this. I couldn’t believe what I was about to say. “I love you too. And no matter what happens here, you’ll always be with me. Forever and always.” Now we’re both bawling uncontrollably. I kissed her one last time and held her hand until she let go. Every moment of which is burned into my memory. Listening to her suffer is one of the worst things I have experienced. I still have nightmares about it. She passed away. Since then, I haven’t dated other girls. None of them will ever compare to what she was.

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